Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Day 90!

I got so wrapped up in my earlier rant that I almost completely forgot it's the 90th day of 2010... woo hoo!

90 days has gone by already, wow. 

So here is the tally so far:
Step count for today should be:  24,660
Step count actually is:                 17,880
Steps I am behind:                       6,780

Step count today:  382

Apologies: What They Mean To Me

The going trend lately seems to be 'let me do something horrific to you and I'll just apologize later'.  It happens time and time again, but what do the words "I'm sorry" really mean?  Bupkis! I'm a firm believer in not doing the thing you have to apologize for, and if you do, a simple formation of words coming out of your mouth isn't going to undo the thing you did.  It's like people who say "I Love You" 700 times a day, it kind of loses its meaning.  Same thing goes for apologies, they are not a magic eraser that can just undo your wrongs.  It seems as though these people think to themselves, "I know what I'm doing is wrong, but it's OK, I can always apologize later".  And what is with "public" apologies?  Like the fact that now the whole world knows what a POS you are makes the apology any more meaningful.  If Osama Bin Laden "publicly" apologized for killing thousands of our American people, would we just pat him on the back and say "it's OK honey, we know you didn't mean it"?  I think not.

I am sure there are plenty of people out there who have made an honest mistake, and who genuinely feel sorry.  I do believe apologies are necessary in situations such as these.  However, let's just say for example the case of Tiger Woods (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth).  Here's a man whose whole image is based on the "nice guy act".  Then one day, BAM, turns out he is who I thought he was;  a lying, cheating, fame whore who uses his power to get laid by several different women at once, all the while married with children.  But, here he is publicly apologizing and we are just supposed to forgive him?  Why?  Because he plays really good golf?  So what?  He's good at an elitist sport that's ridiculously boring anyway, big whoop.  What about the fact that he has a wife and children and is supposed to honor them, not make their lives a living hell?  He's famous, what did he think was going to happen?  Oh, but that public apology is really going to erase the media storm and all the DOCUMENTED bad shit that he did that will forever and ever be available to his kids to go read when they get older.  Nice.  What is it with men and not being able to be happy with what they've got?  (No need to answer - that's a rhetorical question)  If he wanted to be a man whore he should have stayed single.

Then you have the least famous, but more important people, like teachers.  Recently there was a big stink at the middle school about a kid wearing a Breast Cancer Awareness bracelet that reads I (heart) Boobies.  The problem I'm having isn't the fact that he can't wear it at school because it violates dress code, the problem is how it was handled.  This kid was treated like a criminal for supporting his family and friends who are going through a horrific ordeal.  But, when called out, the teacher "apologized".  Big frickin' deal, she apologized.  Oh wow, so that's going to undo the damage you've done to this kids self-esteem because you uttered the phrase "I'm sorry".  Give me a break.  Treat the kids with respect in the first place, then there is nothing to apologize for.  Handle the situation with patience and understanding right off the bat and you won't have to pretend to be sorry for anything.  Be right, then you're not wrong.

We all do stupid things.  Believe me, I'm queen of doing dumb things, falling prey to the wrong influences, and just generally being an idiot, but there comes a time when one must stop and wonder what it is they are doing to themselves and the people around them.  Especially when kids are involved.  Grow up people, and if you can't grow up, then at least have the decency not to go through life thinking that "I'm sorry" is going to fix everything.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Whenever I feel I have fallen into the rut of everyday life, I go back and read my story.  It always brings me back to reality when I remember how hard things were for me, and how far I've come and how hard I've worked.  Sometimes it feels like things drag on so long that there is no end in sight, and then I remind myself of the time when I couldn't sit up on my own and it's like a slap in the face that says "hey! you're doing great!"

If my own struggle isn't enough to bring me back to reality, I think about those so much less fortunate than myself, and then I want to really slap myself in the face and call myself an idiot.  For example, my dear friend Richard.  He would give anything just to be able to take care of himself one-fourth as good as I can.  Getting out of bed, rolling over, transferring out of his wheelchair;  these are all things he can't do on his own, and all things that would make his life completely different. 

"It's never so bad it can't be worse."  Words to live by.

Day 89

The kink is still there, although it's not quite as nagging.  It still hurts to turn my head in either direction, but I can tell it's trying to work its way out.  Thank God, because yesterday it was so awful I couldn't do any walking to speak of without it hurting a lot.  Pain is no problem, I just didn't want to damage something.

So, today I will work on getting in a good step count.

Step count today:  359

Monday, March 29, 2010

Day 88

This weekend was a busy one.  Saturday I don't think I stopped moving from the time I got up at 6:30am until midnight.  So, I spent all day Sunday chilling out.  I still got some stuff done, but I mostly relaxed.  Now today, on my way up the steps, I got the most horrific kink in my neck and it hurt so bad it almost made me fall flat on my face.  I managed to get inside and have since taken some Motrin, but it's still there making me look like I'm doing the Robot every time I try to move.  I hate that.

I will still try to get in as many steps as I can, but pushing down on anything with my right arm hurts like hell so we'll see.  Maybe it will work itself out and just go away!

Step count today:  80

Day 86

Step count today:  551

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Day 83

It's a gorgeous day today, and yes, I am feeling much better.  I think my slump is over momentarily, and that's a nice feeling.  Sometimes things just get overwhelming and a person needs to feel it, even if it's negative.  I strive to be positive and cheery as much as possilble, so if I have to give in to the dark side now and then, I will.  It's healthy.

Speaking of being healthy;  my diet is going very well and I'm still losing weight.  The more I lose, even when it's just a couple of pounds, the better I feel and the easier it is for me to move around.  That's just common sense really, but I still enjoy the fact.  I can only imagine how much easier things will be another 40 pounds from now.

Spring is officially here, and thank God for that!  Tending to my garden is therapeutic for me, and I definitely need some gardening therapy.  My first batch of seedlings (my herb garden) are ready to go outside and spread their wings.  I also bought a fresh new set of seeds to get started, and even some strawberries!  My plans are for a raised garden bed this year so that I can fill it with all kinds of delicious soil and organic material that my plants will just love.  Having a raised bed just makes things easier all around.  I'm very excited to have my own organic fruits, herbs, and veggies coming in.

I wish I had the money I would build a chicken coop and get some laying hens for my own organic eggs too. 

So, today I am going to do some work outside.  I always feel like a whole new person when I spend some quality time with nature.

Step count today:  0

Monday, March 22, 2010

Day 81

I did the math today and I am still 6,691 steps behind schedule.  UGH.  I know I will get caught up, I just know it, but as I've said before, I really hate being behind on anything.  Damn gravity making me fall! :)

I'm feeling a bit better.  I'm at least more motivated.  Spent the entire day cleaning yesterday so I can start the week with a nice clean house.  That's always a great feeling.  Now if the rest of the remodeling would just finish itself my life would be complete.

The weather is really starting to shape up.  It was gorgeous a couple of days ago, then it rained all day yesterday, now it looks like today will be perfect Florida weather.  My spring bulbs are coming up and my plants that were decimated by the terrible frost this winter are starting to show new signs of life!  Those kinds of things will always bring my spirits up.  I can't wait to go play in the dirt.

Remodeling can certainly keep a person busy, but I have several specific projects that I am working on as of right now.  Leveling the floor in my shed is one of them.  When I say shed, I mean a two-car garage without doors.  This thing is huge.  The surface area of the floor is 648 square feet.  So, my job is to level this floor - by hand.  I now have a new appreciation for the phrase "a job is only as big as the tools".  I don't mind the work, in fact I love physical labor and using my body.  The only drawback to this task is the silty dirt I have to eat to do it;  which is the whole point of doing it.  I need to level it so I can put something down as a temporary solution until I can have it paved.  That dry silty dirt wreaks havoc on a vehicles carpet, and my vacuum!

Between that job, which will take me a week I'm sure, and laying some pavers for a walkway and a pad for the outdoor seating area, I will be buff in no time.

Just talking about it gets my nerves in a bundle.  So much to do, so little time to do it all. 

Must... get... to ... work. 

Step count today:  550

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Day 79

My wishes have come true!  It's 80 degrees and perfect here today.  Just when I thought spring would never get here!

Step count today:  200

Friday, March 19, 2010

Day 78

I made a trip into town yesterday to refill my water jugs, and on the way I was delighted to see the Azaleas are blooming.  That is the first sign that spring is here!  Thank God!  I'm not sure how much more cold I could take.  I know it has been worse all over the country, but when you have lived in Florida for 18 years and warm is what you are used to, then you get one of the worst winters in Florida's history, it's hard to say the least.  Between the incessant cold, the rain, the clouds, and the insanely high power bills, I've about had enough of this winter and am ready to move forward into spring!

I already have my basil garden sprouting on my kitchen window sill, and even they are itching to go outside.  Soon my babies, real soon :)  Mommy can't wait to go play in the dirt either.

Step count today:  120

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Day 77

I don't feel a whole lot differently today than I did yesterday, but the happiness is slowly creeping its way back.  I can feel the cramps coming, and as odd as it is, that makes me happy.  It's a sign that relief is in sight.  Relief from the food cravings for all the wrong things, the bloat, the intense fatigue (worse than ever this month), the aches and pains... oh the list goes on and on.  All of those wonderful symptoms leading up the main event are almost over, and when that happens I can begin to function on a somewhat normal level once again, both mentally and physically.

I had big plans for yesterday's step count.  I wanted to try for a thousand, but the aforementioned fatigue would have none of it, so I only got in a hundred.  I guess something is better than nothing, but it frustrates me when my brain wants to go, go, go, but my body just won't.

I guess it's all just part of getting older.  My female parts are going to start malfunctioning just like everything else, so I suppose I'll have to just find a better way to deal.  A frying pan to the head is one option.

Step count today:  50

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Day 76

I know it has been quite a while since I have written anything.  I haven't had much to say.  Work has kept me extremely busy, and then add to that my walking and daily chores and errands, and there isn't much time left for reflection.  I feel like I'd be saying the same things over again;  I'm sick of the cold weather, I can't wait until Spring, I need to get more steps in each day, etc.

Some days it feels like my rehabilitation just drags on and on to the point where I feel like what's the point.  Obviously, I know what the point is, but there are those days when I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "it's too damn hard for such little gain".  I won't, but sometimes I want to.

Falling, and then falling behind on my step count, really put a damper on things and did a wonderful job of souring my mood.  I hate being behind in anything;  it constantly looms over me like a dark cloud ready to open up and dump a shit storm on my head.  I can't stand the pressure.

I know I need to relax and all good things take time, blah, blah, blah.  Even the most positive people in the world get sick and tired of being so damn positive all the time.  Sometimes a person just needs to vent and be a little negative to balance things out. 

I know that when my mood returns to happy-go-lucky, which won't be long from now, I will relish in my accomplishments and see each tiny gain as a miracle straight from heaven once again, but for now, I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I'm sick of feeling like it's impossible, sick of that nagging feeling that I might never get any better, sick of it all.  There, I said it, now I can move forward once again.

Step count today:  100

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Day 68

It really is amazing how much stronger I have gotten.  It has taken some time, that's for sure, but doesn't everything that's worth while?

Yesterday, I was actually able to climb the steps halfway, then turn around and go back down.  I was cleaning them and just did it without even thinking.  I remember when it was all I could do to climb the steps, period.  I shook like a leaf, had to pick up my right leg with my left hand and place it on the next step, had to fully concentrate so as to not fall flat on my face, and was completely exhausted by the time I got to the top.  Now I'm climbing up and down them better than ever, and I can't remember the last time I had to use my hand to lift my leg.

We are switching which door we use as the main door from our back door, to the "mud" room door like it should be used, and I had thought maybe that would be an issue since it's a swing-out door instead of sliding glass, but I maneuvered it without a problem.  I swear some days I scare myself!

Any doubts I may have thad about walking again on my own are gone.  It will take some more time and lots of effort, but nothing will stop me now.

Step count today:  402

Day 67

Step count today:  450

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Quote of the Day

"We've grown to be one soul - two parts; our lives so intertwined that when some passion stirs your heart, I feel the quake in mine."   ~Gloria Gaither

Day 63

I've been emailing with a very close friend of mine today.  Her and I met years ago and made instant friends.  The first night I met her, she wanted to tell me what an inspiration she thought I was and how strong and beautiful she found me.  Then she told me she had colon cancer.  Here is a woman fighting with the worst thing anyone has ever had to fight, cancer, and she's telling me how I inspire her!  Needless to say we had a very touching moment of story-telling and lots and lots of tears.  That was about six years ago, and she's still with us, and still kicking butt.  The woman has been through hell and back, and she still remains positive and upbeat, and just all around wonderful.

Talking with her would bring anyone's spirits up, and she makes a person want to go out and do something good right away.  To suffer through what she has suffered, and do it with such style and grace is amazing.  Well... she's amazing!

So, after several emails with her this morning, I am getting ready to get my walking shoes on and get my steps in.  It's going to be a big walking day today as I think I may hit the park, and then later I have to do some errands which means lots of getting my chair from the bed of my truck, which means lots of walking.  And although my friend is far away, I can feel her right by my side with every step cheering me on.

Step count today:  40

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Quote of the Day

"Winning isn't everything, but wanting to win is."   ~Vince Lombardi

Day 62

I'm starting to imagine myself walking more and more.  My brain is making the switch from thinking it needs the wheelchair, to thinking about grabbing the walker, and my legs taking me where I need to go.  As I was lying in bed last night getting ready to fall asleep, an image of myself walking outside in my yard popped into my head.  I was thinking about how badly I need to finish washing the outside of the house, and as I pictured myself scrubbing the stairs, I was standing and using my walker.  That's a first.  I got so used to sitting in that damn chair, that I would always just picutre myself sitting and think about how I was going to manage from that position. 

In my actual dreams since I got sick I am always walking, but in my normal every day fantasies, I usually think about how hard it would be to do something, or I go over the processes I would need to take to do something.  It's always such a process with the wheelchair.  Will I fit through the doorways, we need to make sure there is room for my chair in the car, etc etc etc.  I'm starting to lose that, so much so that I have forgotten my wheelchair at home and had to go back and get it because I do still need it for shopping, etc.  I would say that is a really good sign that things are changing for the better.

Step count today:  455

P.S. - Eleven pounds lost and it's already getting easier to walk.  I can't wait to feel what 30 gone is going to be like!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Quote of the Day

"Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will."   ~ Dr. Robert Anthony

Step Count

So the step count I am currently at - 11,587 - puts me 4,860 steps short of staying on track with my 100,000 in 365 days.  I am gradually getting caught up, but I think on the days I have extra time and energy I am going to give 'er hell and really try to get caught up to even, and maybe even a little ahead again.  I don't like being behind in anything, especially something like this.

I'm absolutely amazed at how much stronger I am getting and how much easier it is to walk in general.  The steps I took today I did so fast I can hardly believe it.  My gait is becoming  much smoother and more of a natural motion, rather than a huge effort to drag my legs with me.  I'm imagining actually walking my favorite trail someday soon and that makes me happier than I've been in a long time!

Day 60

March 1st, Day 60 of 2010. 

Sixty days is really not that much time, but when you're trying to accomplish goals it can be.  In reality, sixty days goes by in a blink - hell, less than a blink, more like just the idea of a blink. This past sixty days has been very up and down for me both with my weight-loss and my walking.  I think I have finally found a groove that I can stay in.  The numbers on the scale keep going down and that makes me extremely happy, and I am noticing I'm getting stronger and that of course makes me elated.  I keep reminding myself of the things that used to be so difficult for me, and when I stand up to do some walking I am amazed at the difference.  I really and truly am getting stronger.  Like, for realsies (as my daughter would say). 

I've gotten discouraged here and there, especially after taking a couple of nasty falls that set me back a bit.  But, even with those set backs, I am getting stronger.  That's really saying something.  Now that my knee is about 85% healed, and my ankle about 90%, I am getting a lot more steps in each day and really making progress once again.  The crawling I have added is really adding strength to my core, so much so that I was able to sit straight up from lying flat the other day, something I haven't been able to do since 1997 before I got sick!  That was a major development in my road to recovery.

I'm also starting to venture out on my own much more.  I spent years being somewhat of a recluse; not going anywhere unless someone was with me.  Now that I'm getting some physical strength back, I am regaining my emotional strength as well and am much more confident in doing things by myself.  I feel like a five year-old venturing off to kindergarten on her own once again.  I suppose that is all part of the process as well, like when I had to learn how to write all over again, or brush my own hair.  I guess when something brings you back to nothing, that's where you must start. 

I am already noticing a difference in how much easier it is to move around with just nine pounds gone.  It's really just common sense; excess weight is going to make everything harder.  I can only imagine how I'll be bouncing off the walls forty more pounds from now. 

So, it has been a roller coaster these past sixty days, but also quite revealing.  I've learned that after a fall I need to just get back up and start over.  I've learned a diet that will allow me proper nutrition while still losing weight, and I've learned that hard work really does pay off.

I catch myself fantasizing about running.  I haven't allowed myself that fantasy in a very long time.  I can see myself going for a morning run, or a morning bike ride, and I know in my heart and soul it's going to happen.

Step count today:  419