Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I Want To

Sometimes it's hard to be sunny and cheery, especially when outside forces insist on ruining what was starting off as a perfectly good day.

People suck.

I spend my days working hard at being positive and doing the right thing.  I don't ask anyone for anything.  So why then do people still insist on making my life a living hell just because they can?  I'll never learn the answer to that question as long as I live.

I spent a large portion of my life being controlled like a puppet on a string, and it seems those puppeteers just keep trying to reattach those strings.  I am much stronger than that, so it will never happen again, but it's still a frustration.  Why bother?  Just leave me alone.  I'm doing just fine right where I am, doing what I'm doing.

Go away.

When did I give the impression I am unable to take care of myself or that I am too stupid to figure things out on my own?  When in my life did I let on that I am unable to be my own person and make my own decisions?  The keyword being my decisions.  Mine in that they are mine, I own them, I make them for a reason, and those reasons, although really none of anyone's business but my own, are good reasons.  Every decision I make is well thought out, made by me and only me, and not influenced by anyone, finally.  Decisions that will make my life better in some way, and ones that will have a positive impact on my future.  So tell me again why you can't just leave me be?


What makes one person so obsessed with controlling another?  When there are no blood ties, no rings on fingers, and no financial or substantial connections, why is it so necessary to care so deeply what the other person does with his/her life?  I truly believe it is an issue of control and the lack of it.  Where there once was a dynamic in which one person had almost total control over another, and now doesn't, I believe that creates a void in the controller (puppeteer) which they feel needs to be filled once again.

Not.  Going.  To.  Happen.

And I'm not sorry.

This time in my life is a crucial one.  I am on the path to walking again.  Everything I do revolves around my recovery.  In the past, I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable, and I gave in to natural urges that ultimately got me nowhere.  I self-medicated.  I gave in to giving up.  I failed.

I will never fail again.

To me failure does not lie in not reaching a goal; it's in not trying.  You can't do anything if you don't try, and when you try, and I mean really give it your all, that's success.

This is my freedom we are talking about.  My independence.  A normal way of life.

Perhaps that is the issue.  My independence is a threat to those who want me kept down.  I get it now.

Too effing bad.

What I do with my life, is my life, get over it. 

Some people find it necessary to make other people's lives their business and all about them.  I find it necessary to make my life my business and all about me.

I am stubborn and strong and have been given the opportunity to really work hard at getting my legs back.  Nothing and nobody will stand in the way of that ever again.


  1. Part of the problem is that we give our power away too easily and getting it back is an uphill battle to say the least - it's the best feeling ever getting it back. It's yours, take it back and keep it.

    Mine's been perched up on a mountain, took me forever to find out where it was hidden and now that it's within reach...well, there are a few people in my life that haven't been able to accept losing control of it...and for them I play the smallest violin!

    1. Long time in between when you wrote this and my reply, I know, but I love your response. Thank you.