Saturday, August 14, 2010

A Reflective Morning in New Hampshire

It's beautiful here, it's just too bad I woke up this early because of blinding pain; just another side effect of all the walking I've been doing. Some days are better than others, but this morning is one for the books. The only thing keeping me from screaming right now is how peaceful the morning is, and the fact that I can't wipe the smile from my face no matter how much physical pain I'm in.

This trip has changed me. I have gone from a sad, miserable, and angry person to a happy one. Genuinely happy. It's been years since I've been able to say that. Even as I walk, and every step feels like I'm walking through hot broken glass -- I am happy.

Maybe that happiness was what attracted the most wonderful man I've ever met. My mom has always said "how you're feeling on the inside will show on the outside", so maybe I was radiating peace and calm and he knew it was OK to approach. We have both said we were oddly comfortable even in a situation that's usually awkward. Perhaps it's because I've found peace with myself, and my situation, and I no longer radiate "keep away from me, I bite". Or, everything that has happened in my life has happened in order to lead me to him, and make me appreciate him. Or, maybe, we are just that comfortable around one another. I'm voting for all of the above.

It's not the trip that has made me this happy, it's leaving the chair behind. Letting go of that "crutch" has allowed me to feel somewhat normal again. Feeling normal has allowed me to interact with other humans without feeling like such an outcast and circus freak show. And not feeling like that freak show has released my demons and allowed me to love myself once again. After all, one can't love another without first loving oneself.

I spent years feeling like life had let me down, and I gave up once and figured to hell with it all. I hope I never make that mistake again. The path I am on now has led me to so many wonderful places, and all because I got off my ass and began to care once again. I made the decision to change, and it's been one of the best decisions I've ever made.

No comments:

Post a Comment