Friday, August 30, 2013

Me And Mini

Me and my beautiful little Mini Me

I remember a day when I hated taking pictures, and today I had a flash of how I used to feel when my daughter wanted to take a pic for her "snap chat".  I told her to send it to me, fully anticipating hating it and feeling like the proverbial cow.  After she sent it, and I cringed a little while I took the time to unlock my phone and open it, I was pleasantly surprised.  Yes, although my hair and makeup aren't done and I look like a bit of  zombie in that area, I do not look fat.  I am actually starting to look how I want to look -- healthy.  And, in case you were wondering what I used to look like, and why I became camera-phobic for a while, here is a "before" picture taken at my heaviest weight -- ever:

Yup, this is me, at my heaviest (2009) 215 pounds
It's hard to believe I was ever even that big, considering I've always been a bit of a health nut and exercise fiend.  After I got sick I lost myself for a while and simply didn't care.  I felt so restricted because of my disability, that I got a mad case of the fuck-its and decided I would eat and drink whatever I wanted.  Nothing else, and nobody else, was going to tell me otherwise -- no matter how many times the "dryer shrunk my clothes". 

I remember how difficult everything was back then.  How, even just doing laundry or getting in and out of my car were major chores.  I mean, I was carrying around 80 extra pounds, it's no wonder!  And on a body that barely works in the first place!  That is just not something I am willing to do for very long, and not the kind of person I've ever really been (even if I did slip a little for a while).

For those of you who are curious, this is what I'm used to looking like and the kind of person I've always actually been:

Before GBS (1996)  145 pounds

One year after GBS (1999) 155 pounds
I would be happy with the 155 weight, if that's where I end up after working out and eating right (and after my surgery, of course).  I'm not far from there now considering how much extra I'm carrying in my uterus right now.  I actually really want the 145 weight.  That's when I was at my peak physically.  I was fit and strong.  I actually ate food and never, ever starved myself.  That was a good time in my life and I plan to get that back.
Never Give Up

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