Monday, February 29, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Pain had to take a backseat today as I took to the trail and got some much needed exercise. Although only 45 degrees outside and pretty wet, it was a very beautiful ride with a great friend. By the end we both just felt alive. Breathing in that cold, crisp air really gives a person a nice boost of energy and just makes you feel clean and refreshed.
We are excited for more upcoming rides just like today. I appreciate the company and the distraction from my misery, and the exercise helps me to feel somewhat human again.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Monday, February 22, 2016
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Saturday, February 20, 2016
"You have to be completely consumed with your outward appearance to look in a mirror and not see the terrible person within"
Nothing gets accomplished by sitting idly by, and that has never been more true than when it comes to your health. I have a lot of typing and thinking to do, and I hope that I am able to get through to the doctors at Mayo Clinic so that they will take on my case. This will not only help me, but possibly someone in the future with similar issues.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Made an appointment with the pain doctor today. I can no longer tolerate the pain, and tramadol and ibuprofen are not doing anything anymore. I don't like being drugged up, so hopefully there is a pain killer that can do the job without making me a zombie. I need relief. I need sleep, and I'm not getting either of those.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Friday, February 12, 2016
I feel that my doctors haven't done diddly squat! I've had numerous appointments, but most of them are all talking about my symptoms and trying to find the right medications to get my legs loosened up enough to get an MRI. We were unable to do that, so I finally had to be put under anesthesia to get the MRI. The MRI was all normal, so now what? According to my neurologist, she didn't want to do any more testing because then Mayo wouldn't accept me, but they didn't accept me anyway so I'm just frustrated. I really wanted to get into Mayo, but I'll take the U of M as well. It's at least a step up from where I am now.
At least rather than just getting me relief, my doctors are trying to find the reason behind all of this and hopefully make me better so I'm extremely happy about that, I just get frustrated and impatient. Most nights I can't sleep because the pain and spasms in my legs are so bad. Lack of sleep just makes things worse all around. My mental, emotional and physical states take a beating when I'm sleep deprived. I'm not even sure what we could do to get me sleeping at night. We've tried so many different medications already and none have really done much at providing me with much relief.
I guess I'll just wait and talk to the U of M. Wish me luck!!!
Monday, February 8, 2016
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Very nicely done. Watch for the high kicks -- one of my favorite parts!
Hardcore, soft porn. Hello from the outside. Suck my socks.
Posted by Cristhian Chica - Khriz on Friday, January 22, 2016
I'm trying to piece all of this together in my mind, and put it all down in my blog as well so that I have a record. My memory isn't the greatest because of all the medications I have to take, and I want this all available to show to Mayo.
I do remember how great it felt to be up and moving around again, though, and I miss that so much! It's a struggle every single day not to fall into a pit of depression because of this again.
(originally posted July 21, 2010):
"All of this walking is certainly doing something. I can tell by the new, and quite powerful spasms, and the new pains. My left leg can spasm so strong and painful that it feels as if my leg will rip right off my body at the hip. This has caused a new constant pain to form in that very same hip. My legs in general are hurting more than ever, but in a good way. It feels like they are sore. The kind of sore you feel after a really long bike ride, or a muscle-ripping workout at the gym. In other words: it's all good!
For a while I still had some doubts as to whether or not I really would see any significant progress in my strength and ability, but those doubts are starting to fade. The more new pain I feel, the more I realize walking is that much closer to a reality. Standing up from a seated position has gotten easier, my endurance has increased, I can stand for longer periods, and walking is becoming second nature once again. I catch myself reaching for my walker even when I've decided to rest and use the chair. That development is the best yet. I not only have to change my way of getting around, but my way of thinking as well.
I am getting really excited for my trip in six days. I'm still a little bit nervous, but I'm more excited and looking forward to it than ever. I know it will be hard work, and I don't care. I'm so happy I am able to do something that just six months ago was just a dream."
I've always been stubborn and that kid who said "I can do it myself!" So, it's very difficult for me to not be able to do it myself. I jump at the chance to help others who are in genuine need of help because I know exactly what it feels like to be that person. I've never looked down on them or thought they were bad people for asking, so why should I feel bad for asking for a little help, too? I shouldn't, and I'm trying very hard not to.
Luckily gas prices have gone down considerably and I drive a very economical car, but there are still going to be food and hotel expenses that will go along with the trips to Mayo Clinic, and I have no idea how many trips I will need to make, but considering it's been almost 20 years and dozens of doctors and none have been able to figure out with any certainty what's going on with me; I'm guessing Mayo is going to have a little trouble, too. Each visit to Mayo is going to cost at least between $2-300, and that's if the trip is only for one day and one night. I just don't have that kind of money laying around.
I raised my daughter by myself her whole life, and now she has her own son, and is doing well for herself. I still do whatever I can to help her, and that is why I babysit my grandson for her when she goes to work so she doesn't have to bring him to day care. She can't afford it, for one thing, and I just don't think he should go to strangers when he can come and be with his grandmother who loves him. Plus, he keeps me going and helps me forget about my ills for a while. I would love to be able to continue to take care of him for a long time to come.
So, if anyone can give anything, I can't express enough how grateful I will be for every little bit of help sent my way -- even if it is in the form of sharing my Go Fund Me link on your Facebook or Twitter: http://www.gofundme.com/gramashannon
In return, I promise to keep you all updated with pictures and videos and entries along the way about all the trips and appointments and progress we make. I'm doing whatever I can to keep my head above water and not slip into depression while also keeping a positive outlook that they will be able to help me. Even if they can just help relieve the pain and get my legs to straighten again I will be forever happy. Ultimately, I would love to be able to stand and walk again, and ideally get stronger and be able to walk unassisted again! How amazing that would be after almost 20 years to be able to hold my grandson on my hip and run through the rain puddles with him or take him sledding in the snow or swimming in the lake! I keep that hope alive, and will never give up.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
So, although I am sans a uterus, I still get PMS. I get the cravings, the mood swings, the bloating and the sore breasts, just no period. I'm grateful for the last part, obviously, and also grateful to not have gone through menopause at only 37, but I do get tired of still dealing with all of the annoying side effects of being a woman without the ability to at least have more children if I choose. Not that I would have any at my age and in my current condition, but it's nice to have the option.
I decided to write this today because I am having one of those days. A day in which I feel fat and bloated but all I want to do is eat. Sick of being cooped up inside, but don't want to leave the house. Enjoying the sun shining, but also kind of wishing the inclement weather that is on its way would get here sooner so I can hole up and be a bum all day without feeling guilty. I need to clean my apartment, so much so that it's driving me crazy each time I look at it, but I have no motivation to do so. And, add to all of that, I didn't get any sleep last night as my legs decided they weren't going to let me. The pain, the spasms, the tightness -- it all makes a recipe for zero sleep. Imagine if both of your inner thighs were in a charlie horse spasm, but also were contracting in real, and very painful spasms over and over again every few seconds non stop all night long no matter what you did, unless you sat up. That's what I am dealing with. So exhausted I can't keep my eyes open, but forced to sit up on the side of the bed until they feel a little better for at least thirty minutes or so, and then I can lay down and pray for sleep for about an hour before the entire process starts all over again. The contracting spasms themselves wouldn't be a huge deal. I've been dealing with those for 18 years, and they always came on worse when I laid down to rest. It's the new symptoms I can't handle. The tightness and lack of motion. My legs won't go straight, and also won't really bend, they are just kind of stuck in one position. I'm quite literally crippled up from the waist down with everything just kind of contracting and contorting whichever way it wants to go, none of which is comfortable. The pain is a burning kind of pain like everything is on fire. That's a hard pain to treat with even the strongest of pain killers.
I miss being able to stand and walk short distances. That was what gave me that added freedom I hadn't had for many, many years. Rather than being stuck in the chair - like I am once again - I had the ability to climb a few steps or walk enough to go where the chair couldn't go. That is once again all gone and I miss that little bit of freedom. My daughter and grandson are moving in to a new apartment today, and I can't go see it or be with them because there are concrete steps out front. I would love nothing more than to be there with them, helping her unpack and get organized. I wish I could enjoy her happiness and her new found freedom, too. She has sent me pictures and is telling me all about it via text, but I'd give anything to be there with her watching the joy on her face as she begins this new chapter of her life.
With limited abilities and illness also comes the loss of communication with people in my life. It's unavoidable no matter how good friends are, or how much they may love you. People don't want to be around someone who is in constant pain. They may feel bad for you, and may say they will do anything for you, but in reality (and I know this from lots of experience) most people will fade away during really tough times. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. It's just another thing that gets lost during tough times like these. I don't have the energy or the ability to do much of anything, anyway, so I guess it's for the best.
So, that brings me back to today. During all of this pain and suffering, the one thing I can embrace is my ability to rest and do as I please and everyone just has to understand, including me. I am physically simply unable to do much else, so I might as well embrace it. Lots of people would love to stay in their jammies all day and do nothing but watch mindless TV and take naps, so I will appreciate the ability to do that. With the loss of other abilities comes new ones.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
I had been seeing the ads for this show on my Facebook feed for a long time, so I decided to finally give Making A Murderer a try. By the second episode, I was completely hooked. I binge watched the entire season in one night, and woke up today and watched a few of the last episodes again to fully absorb what I thought I had watched the night before.
I am mortified. I have officially added Wisconsin to my list of states I will never reside. Corruption is everywhere, but the level of corruption I witnessed in this series is just plain gross -- for lack of a more sophisticated term. I'm disgusted. As I sat watching and shaking my head, I decided to start making some notes of thoughts I was having. I have so many unanswered questions, I just don't even know where to begin.
Is anyone trying to find the real killer? And if not, WHY isn't anyone trying to find the real killer? I am absolutely not convinced that Steven Avery is the real killer, so this leaves me wondering who really committed this crime. Is anyone, from anywhere, digging deeper and trying in any way to figure out how this all really happened?
Why isn't more being done about the mistakes that were made, and the misbehavior of law enforcement during the search? What about the misbehavior of Brendan Dassey's first appointed lawyer and his complete lack of concern for his client? Why isn't more being done all across the board about the gross negligence that was obvious to a lay person such as myself? Why isn't more being done about the abuse of power of the detectives who interrogated Brendan Dassey, and the way they quite obviously coerced him into saying the things he said? How can one word answers legally be considered a full confession? Why didn't the jury take more into consideration the fact that Brendan Dassey never actually said she was shot in the head? That information was fed to him by the detectives during the interrogation, so it's not as if he knew that information and gave it to them. Why wasn't the fact that Steven Avery's fingerprints were nowhere to be found in or on the Toyota RAV 4 OR the key made more of an issue? How does someone get blood in a vehicle, without also getting their finger prints on/in the vehicle? How does a key that's been used by the owner of the vehicle not have one piece of her DNA, but has DNA from the supposed killer? Why weren't all of these issues made into a bigger deal during the trial? What about the fact that there was never any of the victim's blood found inside his trailer or anywhere else on the property besides inside her own SUV? I don't have personal experience in this matter, but I've watched enough documentaries to know that if you slit someone's throat, as Steven Avery supposedly did, and then stab them, there's going to be a ton of blood going everywhere. They didn't find a single drop? How is that even possible unless it never actually happened?
I'm completely shocked at the thought that we can go in front of 12 of our peers and they will take the word of police and lawyers so strongly to heart that they will believe anything they say, and not once take a deeper look into the interrogation techniques used against Brendan Dassey, or cause a bigger stink about Manitowoc county sheriff's department being involved in the search when it was stated in a press conference that they would not be involved. On top of all of that, why wasn't a deeper look taken at all of the other above mentioned issues? How can you slit someone's throat and stab them and not have even one tiny drop of blood found at the scene, anywhere? How is that possible? Why didn't the jury take that into more of a consideration? How can seven people initially vote not-guilty, and then end up deciding he's guilty? Seven! Why is an innocent man serving a life sentence for something he didn't do, and a killer is still out there? Just, why?
I've been interrogated by police before when I was just 21 years old, and even then I was petrified of them. They got into my head and had me confused and wondering what the truth really was, and I consider myself to be fairly intelligent, and I was 21, not 16 years old like Brendan Dassey. This poor kid was railroaded by a bunch of bullies in higher power who knew they could break him down and mold a story that would get a conviction for Steven Avery. He was collateral damage for the big win, and now he's in prison doing time because he was a confused young man who thought if he said whatever they wanted to hear that they would protect him and let him go home. That's disgusting.
Another side effect of my illness and all I've been through is I have kind of an uncanny ability to read people very well. I can pretty much tell when someone is lying or when someone is being genuine, and I can say without a doubt in my mind that both Brendan Dassey and Steven Avery are both genuine people, and so is the rest of that family. They don't try to hide who they are or be something better or different. They're real, hard-working people who just wanted their little slice of life and to be left alone to live that life. The officials in this case, on the other hand, are not genuine people, and I saw so much deception and dishonesty throughout -- from their depositions for the lawsuit, to their testimonies on the stand at the trials -- that it made me physically sick to watch. I have a pit in my stomach that people in those positions of authority can get away with lying under oath and nothing is done about it. Nobody is taking a harder look at those deceptions. None of them are being punished for being dishonest and perjuring themselves in a court of law. So, I guess the law only applies to us lowly citizens? We are the only ones who are forced to abide by laws and moral obligations to our families and our communities? What kind of double standard is that?
Now I fully understand that I don't really know the entire case, I only know what I saw on the show Making A Murderer, but I do know that just by what I've seen on the show as far as the deception I can clearly see, and things that appear to not have been addressed more fully, there should be more done about these cases, and cases in the future. We need to be protected. Life is already unfair enough without the threat that someone can accuse you of something, plant evidence, make it look like you did it, and you can go to prison for the rest of your life because 12 people believed it being added to the mix.
I wish there was more that I could do. I feel like going on my own personal crusade to help these two men, and if I had the resources and the physical ability to do so, I would. I would start with trying to find out who's the real killer. Who actually took Teresa Halbach's life?
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Ironically, today I decided to head over to his blog to check on him and see how his next journey was coming along, and his last post was today after not posting for quite a while! It's quite the coincidence!
Anyway, I wanted to share his blog with you, which you can check out here, and I think it would be in your best interest to check out his latest map of the progress he's made. He has logged over 7,000 miles in NYC walking every street in every block in every borough! It's really a fantastic story, and he's an amazing person from what I know of him so far.
I hope to maybe meet Matt someday, but until then I will keep checking back to see how he's progressing.