Saturday, February 20, 2016

Healing More Than Just My Body Once Again

This will be the second time in my life that I'm struggling with both a broken body, and a broken heart. They say God only gives us what we can handle, but sometimes I think He has a lot more faith in me than He should.

Apparently it's not enough to be struggling with the physical torture of a body that's constantly racked with pain and tight and twisted up, but I also have to tend to an aching heart. There truly are days when I feel like I just can't go on, but I have to believe I'm strong enough to do this once again.

The hardest part of the broken heart is knowing the awful person who broke it never deserved to have it in the first place. I wasted all of that effort and love on a person who threw me away like yesterday's trash. I think that's what hurts the most. It makes you feel stupid for not seeing the truth. For wasting all that time trying to show someone they are loved, when they never wanted your love, or deserved it. Trying to help a person who proclaimed to have been so hurt by someone before; to show them that not everyone is mean and cruel, only to become the victim of their cruelty. To lift someone up and try to show them a better life, only to have them shit all over you once they have gotten what they needed. I just can't understand it and never will. I guess because I would never do that to another person, but it always gets done to me.

It seems like whenever I get physically hurt and incapable of giving in my usual manner, people leave. It's always the people I love the most. So, I guess the problem lies within myself. I give my love away too easily. I think I see someone who's been broken like me, and I want to make them feel better no matter what it takes. I know the terrible pain that comes after someone destroys your heart (like now), and I go out of my way to try to mend it for them. I know this is a good quality and I will never feel sorrow or regret for being good. I actually feel sorry for those who took so much from me with such little regard, because in the end it is they who have lost the most.