After getting sick, I wondered how there could be a God that would allow something like this to happen to me. A single mother who has always tried to be good, and do good. A person who was trying so hard to be healthy and change her life for the better, and for the better of her daughter.
It's hard to continue to believe there is a God, or even a higher power, after you suffer such horrible tragedies and nothing seems to get better, only worse. I fell into depressions and simply lost my faith and my willingness to believe there was any good left in the world.
Drinking for many years and hanging with the wrong crowd only compounded my lack of faith. I really had no reason to believe in a God or anything greater than me that could be capable of doing any good. It was easier just to give up hope than to struggle with the why. The words "Godless bunch" really rang true to me back in those days. It seems many people who go through terrible tragedies lose their faith with God and turn to a darker side.
Even through my most recent struggles, I have been trying to get back to having some kind of faith. What that faith lies in, I am still unsure, but I do know there is something powerful that can help steer us back to a place of good, and a place of healing. It's important to hang on to something that gives a person hope that things will get better. As difficult as that can be to do, I do feel it's extremely important.
This post has been in my drafts for a while, and today I felt was the perfect day to finish it and get it published. I am still unsure what I truly believe in, and on days like today I really just go through the motions, but I can respect the story, and I can respect others' faith in God and in Jesus. Where my faith lies remains a mystery, but I am getting back to a place of faith and that's good.