Sunday, March 13, 2016

Lumbar MRI

That face, right there, is what keeps me going through all of this crap with my health. There are days I get so tired of it being such a constant force, I start to feel so much anxiety and go a little crazy, and then my daughter sends me a picture like this and it all goes away, even if just for a second.

That little boy has been, and will continue to be, my savior. He has so much happiness within him, and it's so contagious! 

So, tomorrow is the MRI of my lumbar. The final section of my spine to go through the MRI. If they don't find anything tomorrow, things are going to get very complicated, as every other section, including my brain, has been clear. Knowing this is making me even more anxiety ridden than usual, and I've been blowing my daughter's phone up with all of my fears and worries, so she sent me the above picture. She bought that for my grandson, and seeing that just reminded me how true of a statement that really is, for both him and her. I love them both so much, and I make sure they feel that love constantly. That is why whatever is ailing me is going to be found, and fixed, so that I can be OK for my babies. So that I can be around for both of them and bring them the comfort and joy they deserve in their lives.

I just don't think I can handle any more bad news. I really just want this to be easy for once. I want to hear them say "we found it, and it can be removed, and you will be on your way to recovery". In my extensive experience, however, it doesn't usually go that way. In fact, it usually goes just the opposite and is the kind of news you think to yourself "wow, that would really suck to get that kind of news". 

That has been my life up til now. I can't seem to just have normal health issues. They always have to be some kind of rare disease, or turn out to be a 4 pound tumor making a home in my uterus. Fibroid tumors are very common in women, and especially in my family, but I just had to be the one with the extreme case; walking around with a tumor the size of a 17-week fetus inside my body. That gets removed, and I begin to move on with my life thinking maybe I'll go for a while now without any more serious health issues, and then this comes along. Slowly my legs get tighter and tighter until I'm no longer able to stand and then they take it all the way to I am no longer able to get them to go straight. The pain only continues to increase, and I am once again left scratching my head and thinking "what the hell did I ever do in this life to deserve such weird health issues?". 

I'm a firm believer in putting out positive energy and getting positive results, so I am trying my very hardest to do that this time as well, but it's getting to be harder and harder each time. I just keep telling myself it simply has to be OK for my daughter, and for my new grandson. They need me in their lives as much as I need them in mine. They need me to be OK. So, I will be. Even if this MRI doesn't find anything, U of M will. We will get this figured out, and I will go back to being off of drugs, as healthy as I can be, and exercising and being active and taking care of my grandson and daughter like I should be able to for a very long time. That's really my only wish. As much as I would love to walk again, I'm not even going to be greedy and ask for that. All I really want out of this most recent development is to go back to the way I was before this all came about. My legs were weak, but they were limber and didn't hurt. I had to use a wheelchair most of the time, but I could stand and I could climb stairs if I needed to, and I could walk a little with a walker if I needed to as well. I will be happy if I am blessed enough to go back to that. Just not being in pain, and my legs not being so tight and immobile will be the greatest blessing in the world to me right now. It doesn't sound like much, but with my luck (or bad luck) with my health, it seems like that's asking for the world.

Never Give Up

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